Mental illness is something I’ve always kept closeted away, something I never wanted anyone to know about, even close friends. In fact, I think there will be several people I’ve been extremely close with for years who will be shocked by this post. But the bravery recently exhibited by one of my dearest friends in opening up publicly about her own mental illness has given me the courage to talk about mine.

I have the disorder known as anorexia nervosa.

This will come seemingly out of nowhere to the people who have seen me; I am nowhere near a person you would look at and think ‘she’s anorexic’. Anorexia is not always about starving yourself to skin and bones, although it can end up that way.

Anorexia is the relentless obsession over how many calories are in each bite of your food, and how many you eat in a day.

Anorexia is weighing yourself multiple times a day, and berating yourself over every little fluctuation.

Anorexia is looking at yourself in the mirror, poking all the parts of your body that are just too big and you hate, wanting to be able to take scissors and just cut off parts.

Anorexia is wanting to throw up every time you think about eating, even if you’re starving.

Anorexia is reading every food label, disgusted over the numbers on the container, and cutting portions down just to shave off a few calories.

Anorexia is being so hungry, but only letting yourself drink more water.

I’ve done all these things, and more, and struggled with it since I was twelve. Body image is hard, especially for women, and even more so for a woman that dances. Dance culture is especially hard on people, with the obsession with the lines of a dancer. “Dancers must be thin and graceful to dance”. Well, I’m not thin by any stretch, and I still dance. But it’s horrible, walking into a master class when you’re the heaviest in the room, when all the other girls have the thin, coveted dancer’s body. Even if they’ve never danced before, they still have the body for it. This obsession with thinness takes a toll, and often girls who have trouble losing weight (like me), end up developing this disorder.

I’ve improved somewhat from my early days in struggling with anorexia; in previous years, I would stick to things such as the ABC diet, or other diets similar, eating less than 500 calories a day. Every time I ate something that pushed me over that minuscule limit, I’d be horrified and disgusted with myself. All my thoughts centred around “don’t eat that, do you know how many calories that is??”. Weight fluctuation made it worse. Something as simple as drinking water will shift your weight, and I would relentlessly weigh myself, usually around 5 times a day. Every time it fluctuated, I’d be disgusted and horrified.

Looking in the mirror is still hard for me. I tend to avoid them, and won’t let people take pictures or videos of me, because I despise my body. And as much as I’ve tried to overcome that, it still exists. I’ve managed to approach the issue in a healthier way; I limit myself to getting on the scale to every other day (which I know is still a lot, but it’s better than before), and I’m trying to limit how much I obsess over calories and the numbers on the box.

But it’s still there, no matter how hard I try to get it to go away.

Even while exercising, when I’m getting tired, all I can think is the repeating chant in my head of ‘just keep going, think of how thin you’ll get. You’re doing this for the thin.” Not for being healthy, for being thin.

Anorexia is a difficult disorder to deal with. Because while the physical symptoms of it are easily treated, the mental part of it is not. There’s no magic pill that will erase the mental symptoms.

I am beginning to overcome anorexia. But it’s an uphill struggle, and one I fear will take decades. But I will get there, no matter how long it takes.

Ballet circuit workout for legs and an arm workout with 5lb weights today. I am so going to regret that in the morning. 

Dinner!

My parents took me to Cracker Barrel tonight as kind of a goodbye dinner as I'm flying to Nevada in the morning, and I think this is the first time I've ever ordered off the "Healthy/Low Cal" section of the menu. I got Buttermilk Oven-Baked Chicken, steamed Broccoli, and mixed fruit, which consisted of pineapple, blackberries, and blueberries. It was about 350 calories, and the chicken was so. good. Ah-may-zing. I'm a happy and very full camper now. 

I'm a poor college student and I have no food. So for lunch today, I had toast, MorningStar Farms vegetarian sausage, Yoplait strawberry whipped Greek yogurt, and Silk vanilla almond milk. I'm so poor *cries* But hey, at least I can still eat healthy even when I have no food. 

~ Michelle 

New shoes!

I wanted new shoes, since the only ones I have are regular Nike running shoes, and they're rather big. Not size wise, they're just-- big. And since I intend to use them for trail running, which has lots of lovely obstacles for me to trip over and land on my face (been there, done that), I need shoes that I don't catch the toes on just walking down the hallway. So, Sports Authority it is. I found this pair of slim Nike trainers for $70. They're super comfy and I don't feel like I'm clomping around in them. FTW

Commissary

One of the biggest benefits of being a military brat is having a dependent ID, so now that I'm living in Utah, I can still go onto a base to shop at the Commissary, (the base's grocery store)

My boyfriend and I went to check out Hill AFB the other day. Neither of us had been there before and we got really lost, but we finally found the Commissary, and it was the best deal on healthy food I've gotten so far. 

Pro #1: everything there is sold at a discounted price, lower than what you'd find in your everyday grocery store. 

Pro #2: no sales tax.

Therefore, my list consisted of;

- a bottle of lemonade

- 2 bags of chocolate chips to make cookies with my roommates

- Dole peach cups

- bag of celery

- two boxes of strawberries

- three kiwis

- loaf of bread

For $16. The most expensive thing was the chocolate chips and nothing individually cost more than $3. #MilitaryLyfe 

Shopping!

I woke up early today so I went in to Sprouts. I ended up with:

- 2 lemons
- A cucumber
- 2 cartons of organic strawberries
- 2 1/2 lbs of red seedless grapes
- 2 3/4 lbs of sweet cherries
- 2 nectarines
- A bottle of blood orange Italian soda

The grand total? $18.12. Whoever says that you can't eat healthy for cheap is a liar.

Some days, I think I should just suck it up and go for a run. Then I look outside and think "Hm, better not".

Foods

Like I said, I'm ridiculously picky when it comes to healthy eating. Here's what I will and won't eat.

Nope nope nope:

• Tofu-- Yecchh. No other explanation needed.
• Avocados-- Yes, I refuse to eat guacamole. Seriously, when I go to Chipotle, watching them glop it on stuff makes me gag.
• Mushrooms-- For some reason, my dad likes frying these. I made him stop doing it when I was home because the smell made me nauseous.
• Sweet potatoes-- I liked them when I was little, but I don't like the taste anymore.
• Soybeans-- Just.. no.
• Chickpeas-- Yes, I also think hummus is gross.
• Squash/Zucchini-- Spaghetti Squash? No. The only time I'll make an exception for Zucchini is in Chocolate Zucchini Bread. For some weird reason, I love the stuff.
• Cauliflower
• Green beans-- I like the canned ones, but not fresh ones. They're too stringy and rubbery.
• Brussels Sprouts-- Every kid hates them. I haven't outgrown that yet, apparently.
• Spinach-- This is big in our church. They love making spinach salad. I think it's bitter and chemically tasting. It's okay if it's mixed with lettuce, but not on its own.
• Eggplant
• Cabbage
• Beets
• Radishes
• Green peppers
• Fish
• Weird Seafood-- By this, I mean things like squid and octopus and all that.
• Basically any shellfish other than shrimp. I'll eat shrimp.
• Bananas-- I'm allergic.
• Cantaloupe
• Figs
• Grapefruit-- I adore the smell, but I don't like the taste.
• Honeydew
• Raspberries, Blueberries, and Blackberries-- I like them in things, but I don't eat them raw. 
• Coconut Water
• Coffee
• Rice Milk
• Cottage Cheese/Ricotta Cheese-- It's a texture thing.
• Cashew Milk
• Regular Milk-- I get sick if I drink it plain, but I'll use it in baking. 
• Almonds/Almond Butter-- I really hate almonds. But I love almond extract. Which is weird.
• Cashew Butter-- I'll eat raw cashews, but cashew butter is weird.
• Lentils
• Maple Syrup-- I feel like this is a crime, having grown up practically in Canada.
• Whole Grain Bread/Pasta/Pizza Crust/Tortillas
• Quinoa
• Couscous

And any number more.

Things I will eat:

• Chicken
• Beef (sometimes)
• Shrimp (also sometimes)
• Turkey-- Only the sandwich meat kind. Not the whole, Thanksgiving kind. Yes, I think there is a huge difference.
• Ham
• Gold or Red Potatoes
• Carrots
• Celery
• Mangoes
• Watermelon
• Peaches
• Kiwi
• Cherries
• Guava-- I had this for the first time mixed with lemonade at a restaurant, and a friend and I drank so much we were sick for a few days. It's wonderful and it reminds me of Hawai'i.
• Lemons/Limes
• Pineapple (sometimes)
• Grapes
• Apples-- I really only like Pink Lady apples. They're fizzy and really sweet.
• Pomegranate Seeds-- Only if I don't have to seed a whole pomegranate myself, because it's really hard.
• Oranges-- Cara Cara oranges are delicious, but I'll eat regular Navel oranges too.
• Strawberries
• Almond Milk
• Peanut Butter
• Cashews
• Walnuts
• Pecans
• Greek Yoghurt-- I've started using it as a healthier alternative to Sour Cream.
• Cheese-- Shredded or block. I like Colby Jack.
• Feta Cheese
• Cream Cheese
• Honey
• Date- My mom bakes with these a lot. They're not bad.
• Oats
• Pinto Beans
• Brown Rice
• Red Peppers
• Eggs
• Salad/ Regular Lettuce
• Sausage—I'll eat pork and chicken sausage, but I actually love the MorningStar Farms vegetarian sausage.
• Pasta-- any kind, really. No ravioli, though.
• Unsweetened Cranberry Juice-- Yes, I mean this. The no-sugar-added, so-bitter-it-hurts cranberry juice.
• Cucumbers
• Onions
• Olives-- Both black and Kalamata. Not the green ones. 
• Flour and Corn Tortillas- Living in Arizona, we love our Mexican food.
• Salsa-- both Picante and Pico De Gallo.
• Green Chiles 
• Jalapeños-- In all kinds of stuff. Salsa, bagels, chili, anything. Except chocolate. Because for some reason, that's a thing. 

~Michelle

Food Stuffs

I've been experimenting with several different types of diets, because the whole "eat like a college student" thing isn't working out too great. With my busy class schedule and being in another theatre production, I need to be eating better. Add to that, it's Lent right now.
For our Eastern Orthodox Lent, the fasting rules consist of not eating meat, fish, alcohol, eggs, dairy, or olive oil. That's especially hard for me and not exactly practical, since no one else in my house is Orthodox, and I don't buy the groceries. So I'm just going to stick to the Level I fasting, which means not eating meat on Wednesdays or Fridays. (This practice continues year-round, not limited to only the Lenten period.)
I've scoured the internet and spent hours on Pinterest (no surprise there), looking for different healthier diets to try out. I've found recipes for Gluten Free, Vegetarian, Vegan, Paleo, and Mediterranean, and variations and combinations of any of these.

Gluten Free- This may be one of the easiest, for me, at least, since my mom is Gluten Free, and our kitchen is filled with an abundance of alternate flours and whatnot. Quite a few of her recipes are good, and I've started replacing the wheat flour in my regular baking recipes with brown rice flour or oat flour. The only thing I hate is Gluten Free bread. Yeeechh. No matter what kind, what recipe, I cannot find one that doesn't taste like Xanthan Gum and cardboard. Really gross. I'm keeping brown rice flour and oat flour from this diet, but I love my carbs (especially bread..) too much to go 100% Gluten Free.

Vegetarian- Nothing really out of the ordinary here. I'm going to be Vegetarian on Wednesdays and Fridays from now on, but that's not really too hard.

Vegan- I tried this. For one week. And dang was it hard. I had to make literally everything I wanted to eat from scratch. I found some good recipes this way, like Bean and Veggie Meatless Chili, Vegan Skillet Cornbread, Vegan GF Chocolate Cake, and Roasted Potatoes. And I learned some things about substituting in recipes, mainly replacing eggs, olive oil, and milk.

Paleo- Another "meh" diet. Like I said, I'm big on carbs, so it's not really the diet for me.

Mediterranean- This one is the winner, big time. Being Greek Orthodox, this encompasses a lot of the Lenten recipes I've found, and Greek food is amazing. The Mediterranean Diet consists of eating mainly white meats, beans, rice, and lots and lots of fruits and veggies. It also uses more natural sweeteners, like honey, instead of a lot of sugar. With this diet, I can still eat lighter meats like chicken and fish, along with bread and rice, mixed with lots of grilled vegetables.


Eating healthy is kind of difficult for me, given I'm actually ridiculously picky when it comes to fruits and vegetables. I think the list of stuff I won't eat is longer than the list of stuff that I will. It's really hard to be vegan when you refuse to touch tofu, avocados, squash, chickpeas, and edemame. Oh, and I'm allergic to bananas. So that eliminates almost all of the bases for vegan food.


Substitutions:
Eggs-- I've used both applesauce, and flax eggs, which consist of mixing a tablespoon of ground flaxseed with three tablespoons of water, per egg being replaced. It gels when you let it sit, and has the same consistency of an egg. It works perfectly well. I used applesauce mainly in baking, I used it in the Vegan GF chocolate cake.
Olive Oil-- I replaced it with coconut oil.
Milk-- Unsweetened almond milk. My mom accidentally bought vanilla flavoured almond milk and I used that to make tea. Best. Stuff. Ever. It tastes just like a milkshake.
I've also experimented with replacing sugar with Honey or Agave Syrup. I personally like honey better, and it's a bit cheaper, but they have basically the same consistency, so either will work.


~Michelle

Joseph!!

FINALLY FINALLY I'm in another theatre production. I've been having withdrawal symptoms not having been in a show for over a year, but I'm finally back, in Andrew Lloyd Webber's Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. My favouritest show ever.
AND, Lainee and I got tickets to go see the actual show for my birthday tomorrow in Phoenix! I was in this show years ago in the kid's chorus, but this time, I'm a wife. Dan's wife.
As this is my last production with our theatre group before I head off to Utah for college, it seemed like a good last show.



May I return, to the beginning, the light is dimming, and the dream is too. The world and I, we are still waiting, still hesitating, any dream will do

Give me my coloured coat, my amazing coloured coat, give me my coloured coat, my amazing, coloured, coat!

(ends on high note that leaves me screeching like a pterodactyl given I still have a cold..)

So there's no snow all season, just a few dustings, even on Christmas, and then on New Years Eve it decides to dump like a foot and a half of snow in less than 24 hours. #fuckweather

Got my Phoenix Comicon membership for Christmas :D

Mini Viva La Juicy perfume at Target for $6. I'm so happy!!

Finals are over!!! Finally.. Now I actually have time to enjoy December. Guess who hasn't done her Christmas shopping yet..

Why

I'm crying over finals and final projects. Kill me now, please. I don't need stress at Christmastime. No. Just no.

~~

I'm firmly convinced that David Garrett is the greatest musician ever, and no one will change my mind on the matter.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-en0TeBb4A

COLD

The high today is 32 degrees. This is NOT OKAY.

Cheshire Cat Makeup

So this is a repost from our cosplay blog, but it's relevant here, so here it is. This makeup is a look I'm using for Comicon. I've only tried it a few times, so it's not as good as it will be when I actually wear this costume.I'm also not wearing a wig with it, so it looks kinda plain.

 First up: Supplies.

I use Snazaroo face paint, white and black. They can be found at Michaels for around $8.50. They're pricier than plain old face paint, but believe me, it's worth it.
I originally bought it for theatre, when I was in Cats. It won't smear around, as long as you don't rub your hand across it, and it won't crack when you're wearing it. The only problem I have with it, is if it's hot enough, and you sweat, it WILL drip and run. (But that was during theatre, so maybe it had more to do with the fact we were wearing full jumpsuits, fur arm and leg warmers, and fur wigs. In addition to it being almost 100 degrees on stage from the lights. In July.)
The paintbrushes are just cheapie paintbrushes from the Dollar Store.
The other things I use here are blue liquid eyeliner from NYX, and blue eyeshadow from Sally Beauty. Plus my general foundation and mascara.

Step 1- A thin paintbrush to stripe white paint below my eyes, under the lashline, leaving a small gap, and winging it out on both the inside and outside of the eye. (Ignore my tired, no-makeup face.)

Easy enough.

Step 2- I lined the underside of my brows with a strip of white paint, then filled in my brows with blue eyeshadow.
I also did my eyelids with the same blue eyeshadow.
The extra thing I did was take the blue liquid liner and add another wing to the outsides of my eyes, right above the white strip.

Also added some mascara. When I actually do this costume, I'll use really thick fake lashes, but I didn't want to fight with them today. Since fake eyelashes are a pain.

Step 3- The Smile
First, take the thin paintbrush, and make a small dot centered in the indent above the upper lip.
Then, make another dot below the bottom lip.

Step 4- Find the bottom of the cheekbone, and make another dot. Mine is about an inch or so from my hairline. Do this on both sides.

Step 5- Brush a line of black paint from the dots to make the corners of the smile, on both sides.

Step 6- Now take those dots above and below the lips, and draw a line completely down onto the lip.

***Sorry for the bad descriptions, but I don't know how else to explain it. Just use the pictures to find what I'm talking about.***


Step 7- Another set of vertical lines on each side of the first lines. They'll be curved slightly to follow the shape of the lips. And yes, I'm aware it looks like the Spiderman symbol. xD

Step 8- Another set of lines.

Now it's just a really big spider.

Step 9- Continue adding lines out towards the corners of the smile. Begin to curve them more than the ones in the center.

Step 10- Once that's done, begin to close the lines into triangles, to make the actual shape of the fangs.

They don't have to be perfect, they'll be filled in later.

Step 11- Fill in the spaces between the teeth, and the corners of the smile.

And now, instead of the Spiderman symbol, it looks like some weird adaption of the Batman symbol.

Step 12- Now take your white paint, and begin to fill in the teeth. I use a paper towel to wipe the brush off between teeth. Otherwise, you'll get black mixed in, and it'll turn the white a dirty greyish colour.

Step 13- Now take your thin brush and the black paint, and round the bottoms of the teeth.

Step 14- Add dimples on the corners of the smile, and smudge up the outline of the smile. I also paint a vertical line up from the top teeth to the bottom of my nose, and then paint my nose black. Also, little dots of black can be sprinkled across the cheeks.

All done!

For reasons unknown, some of the teeth got angled backwards, and I'm not sure how, given I just now noticed. That can be fixed with some extra white paint. And once again, I'm still testing it out.

Don't forget to speak all in riddles and stare creepily at people.

~Michelle

Happy Halloween!

The second best holiday of the year is here! (Second only to Christmas, because Christmas, that's why)
Lainee and I are dressing up as Hogwarts students. And no, we're not too old for trick-or-treating. You're never too old for trick-or-treating. Never.
She's going as a Gryffindor student, (Gryffindork, as I call her), and I'm a Slytherin student. Complete with dark mark tattoo. That's right.
Gonna go get some candy. Party hard!